Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the United Republic of Tanzania's economy in Tanzania since last Year, the Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early
retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the
SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have beenRAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme CoveringRetired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early
Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity
Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount
of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.